Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of The_JRM's best tweets

@The_JRM : The reason my daughter wasn't nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn't seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.

@The_JRM: Dentist: Do you use your dental floss?

[cut to me tying my action figures to make them fly]

Me: Everyday.

@The_JRM: Captain America: WHERE ARE YOU WE NEED YOU

Black WINDOW: FOR THE LAST TIME YOU GOT THE WRONG NUMBER

@The_JRM: My 6yo daughter's teacher just gave me a "Most Improved Ponytail" award.

@The_JRM: Automatic doors don't work when running full speed. I know that now.

@The_JRM: I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I've left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.

@The_JRM: 5yo: I dreamt I ate your brownie.

Me: Wait, what happened to my brownie??

5: Dreams come true.

@The_JRM: 5yo's pretending she's a tourist at a hotel. All good, but I draw the line when my services are criticized because the "toilet's too cold."

@The_JRM: 5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He'll be sad that I abandoned them!

Me: Want to call him & apologize?

5: You don't have his phone number.

@The_JRM: The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I'm in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.