If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
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“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
bugs when you lift up a rock
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
rapatouille
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I pray every night that I never become religious…
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.