me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
You Might Also Like
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.