wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.