I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
You Might Also Like
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
hmm conte-me mais
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.