I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you