If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out