nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
just having fun
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I’m listening
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…