My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.