Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
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Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
thinking about a very short hotdog
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread