Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
me and the Superbowl rn
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My patience has stretch marks.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.