Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
You Might Also Like
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year