@ThisLocalHater: The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.
@ThisLocalHater: To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?
@ThisLocalHater: I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office]
Husband: She takes everything, literally
T: What do you mean?
*Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@ThisLocalHater: [During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be "naughty", but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
@ThisLocalHater: I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.