Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ThisOneSayz's best tweets

@ThisOneSayz : *watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial* *burns neck with curling iron* *stabs scalp with bobby pin* *gets hairspray in eyes* *wears hair in ponytail*

@ThisOneSayz: Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

@ThisOneSayz: *coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I'm never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

@ThisOneSayz: *plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni...*

*yeah, screw this*

@ThisOneSayz: Me *points gun at clerk*: stick 'em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

@ThisOneSayz: Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

@ThisOneSayz: *orders large pizza*

*opens box*

"Let's do this...wait"

"Safety first," I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

@ThisOneSayz: So you're telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, "omg!"

@ThisOneSayz: Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren't you helping me??

*starts to help*

You're doing it wrong! Let me do it!

@ThisOneSayz: Me, in shorts and a t-shirt

7yo: Mom, why are you dressed all fancy?