Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ThisOneSayz's best tweets

@ThisOneSayz : Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, "ooohhh chicken nuggets!" as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

@ThisOneSayz: *pops kid's balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid's cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

@ThisOneSayz: Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.

@ThisOneSayz: Me: babe, I don't mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can't fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

@ThisOneSayz: 6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3...

6: you'll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

@ThisOneSayz: Parenting doesn't prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

@ThisOneSayz: 3yo: play it again!

Me: I can't, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you're tearing this family apart.

@ThisOneSayz: *Standing in my shower*

I wasn't being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

@ThisOneSayz: Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you're drunk again, aren't you?

@ThisOneSayz: Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that's a spider

Me: kill it!