@ThisOneSayz: Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath...
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
@ThisOneSayz: "Maybe she's born with it, but most likely she botched it at home" should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
@ThisOneSayz: No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
@ThisOneSayz: *Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
Detective: Look, I'm just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
@ThisOneSayz: Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
My 3yo saying: 'member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
@ThisOneSayz: (Don't) touch!
(Don't) pee here!
(Don't) put that in your mouth!
~ Toddler selective hearing
@ThisOneSayz: Breaking news: There's been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, "you almost gave me a heart attack!"
@ThisOneSayz: *watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
@ThisOneSayz: Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.