@ThisOneSayz: Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
@ThisOneSayz: *coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: I'm never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
@ThisOneSayz: Me *points gun at clerk*: stick 'em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
@ThisOneSayz: Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
@ThisOneSayz: *orders large pizza*
"Let's do this...wait"
"Safety first," I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
@ThisOneSayz: So you're telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, "omg!"
@ThisOneSayz: Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren't you helping me??
*starts to help*
You're doing it wrong! Let me do it!