Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ThisOneSayz's best tweets

@ThisOneSayz : Me: Omg, my legs are like jello! Trainer: You stood up. Me: Sooo sore!!

@ThisOneSayz: Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn't an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

@ThisOneSayz: My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

@ThisOneSayz: He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it's a Flambé.

He: it's mac and cheese

Me: it's French mac and cheese!!

@ThisOneSayz: First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

@ThisOneSayz: My mother's scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

@ThisOneSayz: Alright, Mr. "In good times and in bad" I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let's go.

@ThisOneSayz: Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, "I'm a law-biting citizen"

Dog: That's not water in your cup, is it?

@ThisOneSayz: Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

@ThisOneSayz: *at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!