Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ThisOneSayz's best tweets

@ThisOneSayz : Me: they're coming! 911: can you hide? Me: they'll find me!! 911: stay calm Me: the door is opening...help! "Mooom! We want a snack!!"

@ThisOneSayz: I gotta say, I've never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don't remember calling for one...

@ThisOneSayz: The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

@ThisOneSayz: Me: It's unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie's voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I'm not sure I understand

@ThisOneSayz: The Revenant bear attack scene only it's me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid's school.

@ThisOneSayz: Unlike in Westworld, "freeze all motor functions" does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

@ThisOneSayz: Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.

@ThisOneSayz: *picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I'm poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

@ThisOneSayz: Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.