@ThisOneSayz: *pops kid's balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid's cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
@ThisOneSayz: Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.
@ThisOneSayz: Me: babe, I don't mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can't fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
@ThisOneSayz: 6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3...
6: you'll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
@ThisOneSayz: Parenting doesn't prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
@ThisOneSayz: 3yo: play it again!
Me: I can't, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you're tearing this family apart.
@ThisOneSayz: *Standing in my shower*
I wasn't being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
@ThisOneSayz: Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you're drunk again, aren't you?
@ThisOneSayz: Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that's a spider
Me: kill it!