I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
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Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.