@ThugRaccoons: [First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
@ThugRaccoons: Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I'm a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I'm a vegan
@ThugRaccoons: [Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
@ThugRaccoons: Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
@ThugRaccoons: [Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
@ThugRaccoons: Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
@ThugRaccoons: Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!