@ThugRaccoons: Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
@ThugRaccoons: Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
@ThugRaccoons: *gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
@ThugRaccoons: Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
@ThugRaccoons: [Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
@ThugRaccoons: Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
@ThugRaccoons: Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?