Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : Wife: We are lost Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

@ThugRaccoons: God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

@ThugRaccoons: Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

@ThugRaccoons: Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

@ThugRaccoons: *gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

@ThugRaccoons: Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

@ThugRaccoons: Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa....

@ThugRaccoons: [Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

@ThugRaccoons: Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?