Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ThugRaccoons's best tweets

@ThugRaccoons : *pronounces woah like Noah*

@ThugRaccoons: [First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

@ThugRaccoons: Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I'm a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I'm a vegan

@ThugRaccoons: Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

@ThugRaccoons: [Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

@ThugRaccoons: Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

@ThugRaccoons: Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

@ThugRaccoons: [Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

@ThugRaccoons: Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

@ThugRaccoons: Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!