A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok