a badder mouse
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a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus