Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
These aliens are taking forever.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?