Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
You Might Also Like
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like