Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TitaniumToplass's best tweets

@TitaniumToplass : The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you're fired. WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS? India's tiger population is up 30%!

@TitaniumToplass: Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

@TitaniumToplass: Just wrote "except for you, spiders >:(" on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

@TitaniumToplass: Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it's like wow those look cool but in person it's all omg what do I do

@TitaniumToplass: It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

@TitaniumToplass: DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@TitaniumToplass: use words like 'perpendicular' when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying

@TitaniumToplass: *casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

@TitaniumToplass: I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.