*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
why no one uses midhusbands
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*