Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
You Might Also Like
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.