My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
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DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.