After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Tremendous stuff
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.