I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀