Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
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Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.