How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
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Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.