Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad