Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TomSchally's best tweets

@TomSchally : The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

@TomSchally: I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

@TomSchally: For as much as they teach you "Stop, Drop, and Roll" as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

@TomSchally: The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

@TomSchally: It's adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I'd somehow forget.

@TomSchally: It's not a "junk drawer," it's a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

@TomSchally: It's that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

@TomSchally: I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

@TomSchally: Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves.