*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*