If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
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My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.