I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
You Might Also Like
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.