ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
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I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.