Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Oh. My. God.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.