We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
You Might Also Like
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter