@Tommytoughstuff: [first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
@Tommytoughstuff: FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
@Tommytoughstuff: PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That's true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.