Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Tommytoughstuff's best tweets

@Tommytoughstuff : [plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face] ME: What happened!? I'm a monster! DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

@Tommytoughstuff: [first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

@Tommytoughstuff: FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

@Tommytoughstuff: PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We're not even stuck.

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That's true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.