Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Tommytoughstuff's best tweets

@Tommytoughstuff : ME: (slowly undressing) DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We're not even stuck.

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That's true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@Tommytoughstuff: ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

@Tommytoughstuff: Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

@Tommytoughstuff: WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m' lady.

@Tommytoughstuff: [watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

@Tommytoughstuff: KID: I'm a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

@Tommytoughstuff: IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that's not my wife.