@Tommytoughstuff: ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That's true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
@Tommytoughstuff: ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
@Tommytoughstuff: WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m' lady.
@Tommytoughstuff: [watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
@Tommytoughstuff: IMPROV PERFORMER: I need a suggestion.
PERSON (from the back) BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER!
IP: Okay, someone that's not my wife.