What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.