My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
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I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?