I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
You Might Also Like
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer