my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*puts words between two asterisks*
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”