The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
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My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
You can’t rush stupid.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks