police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
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WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
me after eating Cheetos
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.