I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
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Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
choose your gary
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.