Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TragicAllyHere's best tweets

@TragicAllyHere : If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

@TragicAllyHere: *I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex's name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment "your baby looks cross-eyed" on his album* oh shoot

@TragicAllyHere: A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

@TragicAllyHere: Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it's Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

@TragicAllyHere: Please stop saying, "not all heroes wear capes." It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

@TragicAllyHere: [opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

@TragicAllyHere: You know people ask "how are you still single" to singles? It'd be funny if we started saying "how are you still married" to married people

@TragicAllyHere: *wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

@TragicAllyHere: My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn't!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

@TragicAllyHere: *trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them