@TragicAllyHere: [opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
@TragicAllyHere: You know people ask "how are you still single" to singles? It'd be funny if we started saying "how are you still married" to married people
@TragicAllyHere: *wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired
*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard
*start a fire*
People: calm down
@TragicAllyHere: My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn't!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
@TragicAllyHere: *trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
@TragicAllyHere: Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
@TragicAllyHere: [I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
@TragicAllyHere: [Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
@TragicAllyHere: Don't you hate when you're an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you're like, "nooooo, all my air guitars!"