My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
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CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Yup.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.