Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
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We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I have never related to anyone more.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM