ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
You got this…
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Florida man
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter