Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
You Might Also Like
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky