Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
This 4th of July, please remember…
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
no one likes gloating
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.