*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I’M CRYINGGG
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
same energy
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom