[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
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God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Brands during Pride
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?