What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Thank you corporation very cool
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”